With all respect for the ( few ) ladies on this forum, who hopefully won’t be offended and are more than welcome to objectify and stereotype men just as much as we stereotype and may objectify women in some of these humorous posts, I’ll share this :
I taped this 50”x30” map to our garage door, asked my wife to throw a dart at it and promised that we’ll go on vacation this year to any place where that dart lands. Well, it seems we’ll be spending two weeks next to our neighbor’s shattered window.
Since this is a humor ( aka humour to those of you across the pond ) here’s a good set of cynical wisdom observations:
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
Cop : you saw me following you with my flashing lights and siren on, why did you speed up trying to get away ?
Driver : my wife went missing five years ago, and I thought you found her and trying to bring her back to me
Cop to Ferrari ( or insert any super car of your choice here ) driver : do you know why I pulled you over ?
Ferrari driver : yes, because I let you .
And one thing you should never say , if you’re driving trough from another state :
Cop : What‘s your hurry ?
You : I’m trying to get out of this piece of sh*t state of yours as fast as humanly possible .
( but it’s tempting at times ...)
That was probably the marketing slogan used by both Trabant and Yugo .
I drove a Trabant for a week in 1976 while on vacation in the Czech Republic.. the fact that I’m still alive today is nothing short of a miracle .
And back to Greta since she’s in the news again after being one of the keynote attendees at the climate conference in Scotland .. here‘s every African kid from an impoverished nation‘s reaction to her “ you’ve stolen my childhood ! “ angry whining ..
I was thinking of posting this on one of the many Top Gear threads, but most have been inactive for so many years, it’s probably best to just continue the humor here ..
My friend in London sent me this, and thought I should share it ( with apologies to anyone whose sensibilities it may ruffle ..seems that no matter what you post or say, you’re bound to offend someone nowadays ). Anyway for those amongst us who have been avid watchers of the original Top Gear ..